Play Time: When Does Being the Boss Become Being Bossy?

Photo: kaatjevvervoort on Flickr

Last week, I had an unexpected treat. A friend and her 4-year-old daughter, Hannah, stopped over for a visit on their way out to lunch. I brought out the handcrafted doll house my parents had made for me when I was a little girl, knowing it would keep Hannah occupied. It worked a little too well. When it was time to leave, Hannah didn't want to go. So my friend left for her lunch date and I got some unexpected one on one time with her little girl.

After a little while, Hannah decided she was done playing with the doll house so we raided my son's game closet. My son is 12, so a lot of his games and toys weren't age appropriate for this little girl. Still, we pulled out some games to try and I thought I would just modify the rules to suit her.

I didn't need to worry. It didn't take long after opening each game box for Hannah to take the reins and direct how play was going to work. She was creative and full of "why don't we..." ideas. Now I'll fully admit that I was giving her a big advantage in each game, but when she'd push it a bit and claim my point as hers I'd tease her with a gentle "C'mon now." She'd laugh and willingly give me my point.

She was the boss of our playtime, and I think that's the way it should be. But she also knew not to take it too far and to let me handle things when it was appropriate.

Later that same day I watched my son play cars with his friend. Choosing which cars they were going to have on their "team" is an drawn out and elaborate process. They decided they'd each have 10 cars. My son's friend settled on his cars, but my son kept choosing more and more. Eventually, my son had 16 cars while his friend had 10. I just sat on the couch pretending to read my book while watching to see how they'd sort it out. My son's friend told him it wasn't fair and suggested a method for narrowing down his car choices. My son protested at first, but eventually whittled his selections down to 10 cars.

Several times during play, I could hear my son trying to boss his friend around. They don't just race their cars around, they come up with dramatic story lines worthy of a daytime soap opera. My son kept trying to force the story to go how he wanted it and changing whatever his friend dreamed up. Again, I sat back to let them sort it out for themselves. Though my son's friend was getting frustrated, he wouldn't let my son boss him around and kept reminding my son that they both can have ideas.

While I was glad to see the kids work out their differences on their own and glad that my son has a friend who is such a good influence on him, I was a bit saddened. I thought of how playtime had went between my friend's daughter and myself. Hannah and I danced along the line of her being the boss, but I never let her cross into bossy territory. Since she's got a wonderful mother and father and an older sister, Hannah doesn't have a naturally bossy bone in her body and she would gracefully step back whenever she's cross the bossy line.

That line between boss and bossy is a little less defined for my son. His early years were spent in a neglectful home and he missed out on many of those lessons. With direction from me and good friends who don't let him push them around, my son is slowly but surely filling in his social skills gaps.

How do you manage letting your kids direct play without letting them be bossy?